I'm moving..Paul Harvey's page 2

I wrote my story last night (and it was good) but then the post seemed to evaporate. I have no idea what happened, so now I'll try again.
I'm moving to Charlotte, NC. It's been a blossoming change and little by little the puzzle is coming together.
I knew I should sell my house. Then I thought about going to be near a sister, who's in Charlotte. Then she suggested a new line of work, and now I'm writing as it seems to be snowballing into some kind of plan!! I've not wanted to get ahead of God or go where He hadn't planned, but as of yesterday when I talked with my kids, and my son said, "Do it, Mom. Go." I felt secure in deciding to move.
A real estate person called today. As I wrote last night, it seems seamless, smooth, one step at a time. Nothing too scary, just an "I can do that" for each part that's revealed to me.
So, here I go. Major changes. Home. Town. State. Job. Whooeeee! It sounds like fun and I'm excited!!
Still Under Construction,

Terminated, Fired, Canned!

I was "terminated" recently. Actually, before "they" could stamp that word on my career, I resigned. I will teach till the end of the school year, but my students don't know what's happened.
I started this post and was writing the reasons of termination and feelings associated with the experience, but it doesn't seem necessary to hash that over now. I want to move on.
I feel liberated, but I'm scared.
I feel free, but I don't know in which direction to go.
There's an exhileration that comes with being "let go" and I think, "What do I want to do now?" I have choices to make.
Do I stay? Do I move? Do I get the house ready to sell? Where do I move? Do I teach? (Not in Texas as the state is running dry.) If I move, do I teach there? Do I move, or stay, and do another job? What job would that be?
I'm on spring break but I haven't slept as well as I'd hoped/needed. I fall asleep thinking. I wake up thinking. I have no answers but I needed to write what's whirring in my brain anyway.
Please pray with me that I gain wisdom and clarity.

Friends on the same journey

Some time ago I read that friends are important due, in part, to who we become when we're with them. I can't remember the exact words, but there's a magic (my word) that occurs. "You" bring out something in me that only you can. I "become" in relation to what synergy we have and what gets created when we're together.
All this to say 5 of us gathered this morning for two or three hours and we're all "under construction". We're each trying to "find out who we are," and not that gibberish about "finding ourselves" that was part of popular culture a few years ago. When you go through a divorce, the separating of the two people is palpable. There's a ripping and tearing of your life in such a way as to require you to build yourself, to figure out who you are after the debris settles. Well, it still hasn't settled altogether, but the infrequent revelations are just "irritating"  reminders, rather than the jagged lightening and cacophonous thunder of the original storm.
Anyway, back to this unique group. Since we're each putting ourselves back together, ala Humpty Dumpty, we are encouraging, listening, celebrating, questioning, and even holding each other accountable. This last facet is what makes this group of friends unique for me. The accountability factor adds a new dimension. It allows me to say more than I would otherwise. It has given me permission, so to speak. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've just taken a leap in the area of relating. But I think it's the shared experience. I've not had that with my other friends in just the same way.
I am here to say that going through a divorce is downright painful. Hurtful. Excruciating. But the upside is finding these women. We are invisibly holding hands like in the game of "Red Rover, Red Rover, send so-and-so right over." Remember how you would hold hands and call out to someone to come run into your chain of hands to see if you could keep that person out or if he/she would break the chain? Well, no one can break our chain! We are walking forward together, not just holding hands, but with arms intertwined.
Thanks, girls. I couldn't do it without you. Someday, I'll sing "Thanks For the Memories" just like Bob Hope. Hey, hope was what we talked about this morning!  God be with you till we meet again.

Sumo Wrestler, I'm not!

You've seen those fake Sumo Wrestlers on TV in the fake "fat" suits, and when they bump into each other . Of course, the "fat" is to protect their bodies from being hurt. Well, I've turned into a Sumo Wrestler of sorts. I'm fat, but I'm not into the Sumo Wrestling part!
In going through the separation and divorce, I ended up padding the pain. In my mind, I thought "I can do anything I want...I can eat anything I want." But as of today I don't want to look or feel this way anymore.
Last night I was up with acid reflux the likes of which I've never encountered before. I'm taking it as a literal "wake up" call and this morning I wrote, "I am choosing to claim my smaller body again. I no longer will allow the pain of divorce to hide in my fat. I release it. I want to be clean and fresh. No padding of pain. Let it fall away. It doesn't become me."
I've not thought this way before. I now see the fat as protecting me from the pain. The initial experience was assaulting and I may have said "I can do (eat) anything I want", but I now see the fat as holding the pain. The cells of pain are encased in the fat. I NO longer want to be covered in pain! I want to be free and that means I'll be vulnerable again. I haven't wanted any male relationships, and as of this moment, I'm still not ready, but I see now that no one could have gotten through that ugly veneer.
I went to a support group last week, and I heard again that it takes about five years to be fully healed from a divorce. I am about half way through that time frame and as I walk forward, I believe that length of time. Things are revealed more slowly now, but just as important. God is healing me from the inside out. I'm truly grateful.
So I am writing all this to hold me accountable. I will not talk about this to many, but if I write it, I am committing to releasing the pain. That sounds more workable than "going on a diet". Yuck. I know it's all the same, but I need to think about the shedding of pounds in a different way.
So on January 17, 2011, I commit to becoming free of pain/fat. Literally and figuratively.
Blessings to you.

Blessed Be The Ties That Bind

The title words are those of a hymn that we would sing after communion when I was a kid. We'd hold hands across the aisle and the experience of "breaking bread together" in the presence of God would bind us together. At least that was what I felt.
Today I'm thinking of other binding ties. Friends. I value and appreciate the friendships with kids I met when I was younger. We may have met in school or college or during a summer away. Maybe we met as young adults. Wherever the meeting, there are some I still have connections with and the friendships are deeper. There are unspoken memories. There are memories we do talk of...a particular teacher or a particular experience we remember. These people are parts and parcels of who I am today. We share common threads in the tapestry of our lives. How rich I feel when I reconnect and I still enjoy the person! There are others I have a history with, but no present. I've tried and there's nothing there. It's like a misfire. Others, you meet again and you just pick up where you left off.
I cherish these friendships with a history. I feel rich. I feel deeper and I enjoy the opportunity to reconnect as "oldsters" and "wisers". I enjoy asking questions and getting to "reknow" the person.
If the tie still binds, what a gift. If we've changed and no longer have the tie, we let go. It's part of life. I can tell almost immediately.
As I age, I no longer spend time with people I have no feeling for. I protect my time. It's fulfilling to know that I can chose how I spend it. It's freeing to have figured out what matters to me.
Friends who share a history with me matter to me. God bless each one of you.

Christmas is Coming (with no goose getting fat!)

Today is the day before the real day before Christmas. I've been an elf and helped my daughter with a gift she was making. Now I need to get wrapping and creating my own gift, but I'd rather write tonight.
When one lives alone, it seems weird to decorate the house...put the stuff out, look at it myself, and then put all the stuff away. I've ALWAYS hated that part...the putting away. Somehow this year, I just didn't have the interest, or the time. As it turned out, I'm leaving Christmas afternoon for a time away, so I'm glad I don't have to deal with decor. In the meantime, I had given it it some thought...was I lazy? depressed? was it always going to be that way? I finally decided that I was just fine. For this year, I didn't put my Christmas stuff out. That's all it was. A simple decision to keep it simple. I made no cookies or candy either. Okay, so it doesn't "feel" like Christmas, but that's something I can live with.
So for all of you who live alone, or are going through other changes, and you find yourself not wanting to do "what you've always done", give yourself permission to not do it. Or do something different. It's all right.
Merry Christmas and May God bless your new year

Summer is here!!

"Summahtime and the livin' is easy"...oh, those lyrics sound soothing and inviting. On Friday school ended and boy, do I need some easier days. Not that I need the hammock and lemonade every single day, but teaching this year pretty much depleted me. The kids, the administration, the schedule. The results of giving so much of myself to my students seems worth it to me. They have changed a lot over the year and I'm proud of their emotional and educational growth. Many of them I'll miss. Some are moving, some I wish would move. I'm glad I didn't have to move classrooms or grade level. Some weren't as fortunate as me. Enough about that.

I now get to look to Maine and replenishment. Nourishment. Rejuvenation. Where I get to be me in a different way. Why is that? Aren't I me here? I get nourishment from the scenery. I get nourishment from friends with whom I share a history. I get nourishment from looking for seaglass, my very favorite way to spend time. It relaxes me and revs me up all at the same time. Weird.
I'm hungry, so will close on that and get some supper.