Okay, so I got the idea from my niece, but I realized traditions make my family what it is. My family. No one else does the same traditions or in the same way. I am the Nanna now, and since I moved away this year, I'll go to my daughter's house and be a part of their traditions. There probably will be new traditions mixed in with ones I recognize.
For me, here's what we did when we were raising our kids.
1. I have a red book that was put out for all visitors to sign. The year Scott Sinclair died (at 21) I went to the red book to read all his posts. It brought great comfort and allowed us to laugh at the Christmas Eves he had come by to eat chocolate peanut butter balls.
2. Chocolate peanut butter balls. The BEST candy around and I make it only once a year. BUT, I always managed to hide some on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator and later on, after December, when someone had a bad day, I just might forage around and bring out a forgotten chocolate peanut butter ball. Scott loved them.
3. Going to Scott's grave site on Christmas Eve. For years, my daughter, or my daughter, son and I would go to Scott's grave site and eat a chocolate peanut butter ball and reminisce about Scott. It may sound sad to you, but it really was fun. Scott was so funny we'd laugh and remember him with great stories.
4. Going to church on Christmas Eve. Singing Silent Night and holding candles. The best.
5. Me reading Luke 2 and Bruce reading Twas the Night Before Christmas. The best, also.
6. Christmas Eve, hanging stockings and taking pictures. The best, third.
7. Sticky rolls and fruit on Christmas morning. Sometimes cocoa. Also orange juice with a cherry in the bottom of the glass. Surprise!
8. Finding baby Jesus in the manger. (He was not there till Christmas morning.)
9. Opening stockings. Wicked fun.
10. Solid chocolate Santa and an orange in everyone's stocking.
11. Being dressed before gifts were opened.
12. Me with a clipboard with notebook paper and lines drawn vertically and horizontally. People who gave gifts along the left side. The four of our names above the columns. I always kept track of who received what so we could do the thank you notes knowing what had been received.
13. Darren being "Santa" and passing gifts out.
14. Opening gifts one by one. Watching each opener.
15. Heather being neat with her wrapping paper. Opening gifts carefully. Paper being able to be used again.
16. Darren being excited about giving his gifts first. He couldn't wait for us to open them.
17. Me crying at some point of opening a gift.
Thank you for letting me share my memory of our traditions.
May each of you who read this have a Very Merry Christmas and I hope you have traditions that make your family special, too. Enjoy them. Celebrate them.
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Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Week 3 in North Carolina
"All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust him
In his presence daily live.
I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Jesus I surrender
I surrender all."
This was the last hymn we sang in church yesterday morning. I had no intention of joining Carmel Baptist Church but I did. During the sermon, the pastor talked about how God will take us to where we've never been before, and I was thinking, "That's where I am right now...where I've never been before!!" New city. New state. No job. No house. Alone. I talked to God in my mind and reminded him I had no intention of joining this (or any!) church, till I found out if they had a Divorce Care class (they don't) and if not, why? I'd been told they had had one at another time, and I was curious to see what their position was and why they didn't offer that class currently. God told me He'd take care of that. I waited and as they began the second verse, I thought what better way to "surrender it all" than to claim a church home before I got a "real" home.
Speaking of my "real" home, the TX sale has still not closed. I've been strung along with promises of "tomorrow" or "next week" or "the middle of next week". All stories. All thrown to us by the "other side" in hopes of placating us. I've felt frustrated, bamboozled, lied to, between a rock and a hard spot....all not worth thinking about. As I've talked to God, my emotions have calmed down and I've prayed that my real estate people be blessed as they deal with me. Not by me, of course, but by God. I've made the decision to keep trusting Him in spite of daily frustrations. My realtors call every morning and as of today, "we should close by Friday". BUT I've been down this road many times, so don't hold your breath, but pray that I'll be found faithful and trusting.
I miss my kids, grandkids, friends, familiar streets, Blue Bell ice cream, house, and sunshine. I'm enjoying my stay with my sister, my Apple classes (on my MAC), going to visit Nancy Magby, a friend from church when I was in junior high, learning my way around new streets, finding a Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Steinmart, eating Brusters' ice cream, cooler weather, and watching Netflix with Jayne each night and laughing over foolishness!!
Speaking of my "real" home, the TX sale has still not closed. I've been strung along with promises of "tomorrow" or "next week" or "the middle of next week". All stories. All thrown to us by the "other side" in hopes of placating us. I've felt frustrated, bamboozled, lied to, between a rock and a hard spot....all not worth thinking about. As I've talked to God, my emotions have calmed down and I've prayed that my real estate people be blessed as they deal with me. Not by me, of course, but by God. I've made the decision to keep trusting Him in spite of daily frustrations. My realtors call every morning and as of today, "we should close by Friday". BUT I've been down this road many times, so don't hold your breath, but pray that I'll be found faithful and trusting.
I miss my kids, grandkids, friends, familiar streets, Blue Bell ice cream, house, and sunshine. I'm enjoying my stay with my sister, my Apple classes (on my MAC), going to visit Nancy Magby, a friend from church when I was in junior high, learning my way around new streets, finding a Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Steinmart, eating Brusters' ice cream, cooler weather, and watching Netflix with Jayne each night and laughing over foolishness!!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Moving...Phase 2
The packing and pod-filling, the vacuuming and cleaning behind the refrigerator, the ordering of the second pod and filling that, the saying "good bye" to friends, the actual leaving my daughter and grandchildren, and crying, the driving to Atlanta to see some family and celebrate my new adventure, and then the drive to my new city are over. I am here. Saturday at noon, well, 12:15, I arrived at my sister's.
Since I am staying with my her, we are both trying to wrap our minds around the fact that this is not a visit. I am here. In her house. Getting to know Charlotte as my new home.
Today, Labor Day, I had the scary thought again, "what have you done?". You gave up you familiar life. You left your friends. You left your kids. You won't see them anytime you want to. YIKES!!
As quickly as that seeped into my brain, I thought, "Wait a minute. God is still in control." Yesterday at church, I listened to the sermon on "Preparation" and felt that I have been being prepared for this change in my life. I heard that getting prepared is harder than doing the thing (test, vacation, basball game, for instance) we're preparing for. We train hard, or we study hard, or we do all the things that are required to take a vacation.
In life, we get to the point where God has taken us (prepared us) but we still have to take that next step of trust. And then I realized. Trust. That is my word. Do I trust Him enough that I'd leave my family and friends to do this thing that I still don't know what it is? Yes. This part, the continued preparation, is all part of the plan. Selling my house. Good part. Waiting to close. Hard part. Getting to live with one of my sisters. Really good part. Missing my kids/friends. Really bad part.
So as I go forward, I need prayers to be willing to trust. Trust that I'll know what God has for me to do. Trust that I'll get through this "what have I done?" phase. Trust that I'll have enough money to keep me till I find a job. Trust that I'll know what to buy for a home and when to buy said home.
Now I think of that song again. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." Hmmmm, three years ago, I sang this song in my kitchen. Guess I need to sing it again.
Since I am staying with my her, we are both trying to wrap our minds around the fact that this is not a visit. I am here. In her house. Getting to know Charlotte as my new home.
Today, Labor Day, I had the scary thought again, "what have you done?". You gave up you familiar life. You left your friends. You left your kids. You won't see them anytime you want to. YIKES!!
As quickly as that seeped into my brain, I thought, "Wait a minute. God is still in control." Yesterday at church, I listened to the sermon on "Preparation" and felt that I have been being prepared for this change in my life. I heard that getting prepared is harder than doing the thing (test, vacation, basball game, for instance) we're preparing for. We train hard, or we study hard, or we do all the things that are required to take a vacation.
In life, we get to the point where God has taken us (prepared us) but we still have to take that next step of trust. And then I realized. Trust. That is my word. Do I trust Him enough that I'd leave my family and friends to do this thing that I still don't know what it is? Yes. This part, the continued preparation, is all part of the plan. Selling my house. Good part. Waiting to close. Hard part. Getting to live with one of my sisters. Really good part. Missing my kids/friends. Really bad part.
So as I go forward, I need prayers to be willing to trust. Trust that I'll know what God has for me to do. Trust that I'll get through this "what have I done?" phase. Trust that I'll have enough money to keep me till I find a job. Trust that I'll know what to buy for a home and when to buy said home.
Now I think of that song again. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." Hmmmm, three years ago, I sang this song in my kitchen. Guess I need to sing it again.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Last week in TX, Day 2
My Lord knows the way through (my) wilderness,
All I have to do is follow.
My Lord knows the way through (my) wilderness,
All I have to do is follow.
Strength for today is mine alway and all I need for tomorrow.
My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,
All I have to do is follow.
Pray for me. I need HIS strength.
Last week in TX, Day 1 revisited
Day 1 was hard. I woke up yesterday with such puffy eyelids I didn't know if they'd ever go back to normal. I'd cried the night before over hurts I'd inflicted. I cried yesterday morning over leaving my kids. People have said to me, " I can't believe you'd leave those kids" so often, I began to feel like a horrible person for even considering it. I began to grieve over leaving them. Not my grandkids, but my kids.
Cried talking to Mamma. Cried with daughter. Cried when former neighbor came to say "good bye". This is hard.
When the POD arrived, I wondered how in the world is my whole house of stuff going to fit in that 16' box? By late afternoon, when I had no one to start filling up that POD, I was getting lower. Then my daughter made a connection and after she left, 2 boys showed up and were wonderful!! We three worked in 90 degree humid heat to start the puzzle-piecing together. They took my freezer out. It left a trail of water...on the carpet and all across the front hall floor, but at least it was just water. The boys left and I felt a little better.
Went to bed with a headache. Didn't sleep well. woke up around 3:30, drank some water, read a bit, went back to sleep. But this morning....I'll now write Day 2.
Cried talking to Mamma. Cried with daughter. Cried when former neighbor came to say "good bye". This is hard.
When the POD arrived, I wondered how in the world is my whole house of stuff going to fit in that 16' box? By late afternoon, when I had no one to start filling up that POD, I was getting lower. Then my daughter made a connection and after she left, 2 boys showed up and were wonderful!! We three worked in 90 degree humid heat to start the puzzle-piecing together. They took my freezer out. It left a trail of water...on the carpet and all across the front hall floor, but at least it was just water. The boys left and I felt a little better.
Went to bed with a headache. Didn't sleep well. woke up around 3:30, drank some water, read a bit, went back to sleep. But this morning....I'll now write Day 2.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Last night's dream.....more of a nightmare
"My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,
All I have to do is follow,
My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,
All I have to do is follow.
Strength for today is mine alway,
And all I need for tomorrow,
My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,
All I have to do is follow."
That song came to me this morning as I thought of last night's dream. I woke up this morning from a deep sleep and wasn't really ready to get up. In my dream, I was with Dawn, Paula, and Beth, (dear friends from college) and a couple of other girls I didn't know. We were going back to college and there were to be six of us in the room. That bothered me tremendously! Dawn brought a sleeping bag to use and I had nothing. No sleeping bag, no sheets. I felt so "out of it". It was our first night before starting classes the next morning and we were in that "let's find out who's in our dorm" frenzy and as people were coming and going, I did up my hair in those icky scratchy rollers! I didn't have enough, so wondered what my hair was going to look like in the morning. I knew I didn't wear rollers now (we were the age we are today) but I knew I'd worn rollers back then, so I was trying to fit back in. Not working! As I left someone else's room to go find our room, a lady told me the rollers wouldn't be allowed at the meeting scheduled in 15 minutes. We got back to our room and I yanked those rollers out and felt so confused. Then I woke up.
As I digested that dream, I realized I no longer fit in the classroom and I was not going to miss the starting of school. I'd been concerned about that. I'd expected to miss the whole "first day of school" and buying supplies (LOVE buying stuff for school, whether for my kids or myself!) and getting ready to start a new year, as I have for over 40 years. It is not a part of my life now and I am perfectly fine with that. It's like my teaching was "another lifetime". When I think of being married, that, too, is "another lifetime". Then I thought of the song I printed above, and realized God is even interested in taking care of my loss of teaching. It's not a loss, it's just another part of me. He's showing me "through the wilderness" of this transition from Texas and teaching to New Life in North Carolina. He continues to amaze me and all I have to do is follow. No "yellow brick road" for me, just God's footprints.
I'm enjoying the road.
All I have to do is follow,
My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,
All I have to do is follow.
Strength for today is mine alway,
And all I need for tomorrow,
My Lord knows the way through the wilderness,
All I have to do is follow."
That song came to me this morning as I thought of last night's dream. I woke up this morning from a deep sleep and wasn't really ready to get up. In my dream, I was with Dawn, Paula, and Beth, (dear friends from college) and a couple of other girls I didn't know. We were going back to college and there were to be six of us in the room. That bothered me tremendously! Dawn brought a sleeping bag to use and I had nothing. No sleeping bag, no sheets. I felt so "out of it". It was our first night before starting classes the next morning and we were in that "let's find out who's in our dorm" frenzy and as people were coming and going, I did up my hair in those icky scratchy rollers! I didn't have enough, so wondered what my hair was going to look like in the morning. I knew I didn't wear rollers now (we were the age we are today) but I knew I'd worn rollers back then, so I was trying to fit back in. Not working! As I left someone else's room to go find our room, a lady told me the rollers wouldn't be allowed at the meeting scheduled in 15 minutes. We got back to our room and I yanked those rollers out and felt so confused. Then I woke up.
As I digested that dream, I realized I no longer fit in the classroom and I was not going to miss the starting of school. I'd been concerned about that. I'd expected to miss the whole "first day of school" and buying supplies (LOVE buying stuff for school, whether for my kids or myself!) and getting ready to start a new year, as I have for over 40 years. It is not a part of my life now and I am perfectly fine with that. It's like my teaching was "another lifetime". When I think of being married, that, too, is "another lifetime". Then I thought of the song I printed above, and realized God is even interested in taking care of my loss of teaching. It's not a loss, it's just another part of me. He's showing me "through the wilderness" of this transition from Texas and teaching to New Life in North Carolina. He continues to amaze me and all I have to do is follow. No "yellow brick road" for me, just God's footprints.
I'm enjoying the road.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
August, 2011
I can't come up with a title just now, so for the moment, I've used a date. Let me go back to about a month ago.
July 4, decided to move.
July 5, made appointments with two realtors.
July 11 (1:30 am) Mom and Jayne arrived to help me clean, pack, have a garage sale, spread mulch, plant flowers, clean nasty AC vents in the ceiling, pick up clutter, go through closets, and a hundred other chores. Heather came to do some of the above jobs AND stage my house so it could go on the market.
July 11 chose realtor.
July 16 garage sale. Sold every piece of furniture I had there.
July 17, Mom and sister left to drive back to Atlanta and Charlotte.
July 19 in the wee hours of morning, I finished cleaning and staging and putting everything that I would normally have stuffed in the closet or pantry in the garage.
I came back in the house and got ready to go to Maine on my vacation.
July 19 flew to Portland, ME. Slept on plane.
July 20 house went "live" and was For Sale.
July 26 house sold.
Aug. 9, I left Maine and returned to TX.
Now comes the packing and saying "good bye" and leaving Texas. Today I went to James Avery (jewelry store) to have a new charm put on my bracelet. While there, I decided to have the lady cut off some charms I no longer want on my bracelet.
Texas charm...lost its charm somehow....
New Hampshire...met the ex there
Bermuda...honeymooned there
heart with 20 years engraved on it...we all know that didn't mean anything
So as I continue to look for ways to "construct" myself, I have cut (literally) more "ties" with the former husband. It's liberating. I'm not mad; I'm just enjoying the freedom to DO and BE what I want.
I bid on and won a walking stick made by a childhood friend. It represents a strong me walking forward on my new journey. I'm moving to a new state. I'm going to have a new career. I'm going to buy my first home as a single woman. I'm loving this!!!!!! I could not have done this alone. God has wedged me right up under his arm where I'm protected and being guided. I have been given one stepstone at a time. I don't need to know when or where the next stone will appear, but I'm confident it will show up before me. I'd not taken the time to journal in a while, so I had to catch up.
Stay tuned. I close on this house at the end of the month. Then out of Texas I'll drive. Not like a piece of tumbleweed, for I'm not being blown about. I'm being shown a path and given directions in whispers. No lightening. Just quiet directions to follow.
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Yikes, what have I done?
I was just looking online for prospective employment in NC, when all of a sudden, I thought, "What am I doing? Going to a new city where I have NO contacts except my sister and looking for a job in a new field??" I almost panicked and then I thought, "God is not the author of confusion, and He'll take care of me no matter where I am. He can find me a job. He can direct my path as he's already done and doing." Phew. I relaxed. But from the outside, I'm thinking this looks ludicrous!! But I'm walking forward, one step at a time. If I thought how seamless it looked/felt last night, I need to remember that.
Stay tuned.
Stay tuned.
I'm moving..Paul Harvey's page 2
I wrote my story last night (and it was good) but then the post seemed to evaporate. I have no idea what happened, so now I'll try again.
I'm moving to Charlotte, NC. It's been a blossoming change and little by little the puzzle is coming together.
I knew I should sell my house. Then I thought about going to be near a sister, who's in Charlotte. Then she suggested a new line of work, and now I'm writing as it seems to be snowballing into some kind of plan!! I've not wanted to get ahead of God or go where He hadn't planned, but as of yesterday when I talked with my kids, and my son said, "Do it, Mom. Go." I felt secure in deciding to move.
A real estate person called today. As I wrote last night, it seems seamless, smooth, one step at a time. Nothing too scary, just an "I can do that" for each part that's revealed to me.
So, here I go. Major changes. Home. Town. State. Job. Whooeeee! It sounds like fun and I'm excited!!
Still Under Construction,
I'm moving to Charlotte, NC. It's been a blossoming change and little by little the puzzle is coming together.
I knew I should sell my house. Then I thought about going to be near a sister, who's in Charlotte. Then she suggested a new line of work, and now I'm writing as it seems to be snowballing into some kind of plan!! I've not wanted to get ahead of God or go where He hadn't planned, but as of yesterday when I talked with my kids, and my son said, "Do it, Mom. Go." I felt secure in deciding to move.
A real estate person called today. As I wrote last night, it seems seamless, smooth, one step at a time. Nothing too scary, just an "I can do that" for each part that's revealed to me.
So, here I go. Major changes. Home. Town. State. Job. Whooeeee! It sounds like fun and I'm excited!!
Still Under Construction,
Friday, March 18, 2011
Terminated, Fired, Canned!
I was "terminated" recently. Actually, before "they" could stamp that word on my career, I resigned. I will teach till the end of the school year, but my students don't know what's happened.
I started this post and was writing the reasons of termination and feelings associated with the experience, but it doesn't seem necessary to hash that over now. I want to move on.
I feel liberated, but I'm scared.
I feel free, but I don't know in which direction to go.
There's an exhileration that comes with being "let go" and I think, "What do I want to do now?" I have choices to make.
Do I stay? Do I move? Do I get the house ready to sell? Where do I move? Do I teach? (Not in Texas as the state is running dry.) If I move, do I teach there? Do I move, or stay, and do another job? What job would that be?
I'm on spring break but I haven't slept as well as I'd hoped/needed. I fall asleep thinking. I wake up thinking. I have no answers but I needed to write what's whirring in my brain anyway.
Please pray with me that I gain wisdom and clarity.
I started this post and was writing the reasons of termination and feelings associated with the experience, but it doesn't seem necessary to hash that over now. I want to move on.
I feel liberated, but I'm scared.
I feel free, but I don't know in which direction to go.
There's an exhileration that comes with being "let go" and I think, "What do I want to do now?" I have choices to make.
Do I stay? Do I move? Do I get the house ready to sell? Where do I move? Do I teach? (Not in Texas as the state is running dry.) If I move, do I teach there? Do I move, or stay, and do another job? What job would that be?
I'm on spring break but I haven't slept as well as I'd hoped/needed. I fall asleep thinking. I wake up thinking. I have no answers but I needed to write what's whirring in my brain anyway.
Please pray with me that I gain wisdom and clarity.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friends on the same journey
Some time ago I read that friends are important due, in part, to who we become when we're with them. I can't remember the exact words, but there's a magic (my word) that occurs. "You" bring out something in me that only you can. I "become" in relation to what synergy we have and what gets created when we're together.
All this to say 5 of us gathered this morning for two or three hours and we're all "under construction". We're each trying to "find out who we are," and not that gibberish about "finding ourselves" that was part of popular culture a few years ago. When you go through a divorce, the separating of the two people is palpable. There's a ripping and tearing of your life in such a way as to require you to build yourself, to figure out who you are after the debris settles. Well, it still hasn't settled altogether, but the infrequent revelations are just "irritating" reminders, rather than the jagged lightening and cacophonous thunder of the original storm.
Anyway, back to this unique group. Since we're each putting ourselves back together, ala Humpty Dumpty, we are encouraging, listening, celebrating, questioning, and even holding each other accountable. This last facet is what makes this group of friends unique for me. The accountability factor adds a new dimension. It allows me to say more than I would otherwise. It has given me permission, so to speak. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've just taken a leap in the area of relating. But I think it's the shared experience. I've not had that with my other friends in just the same way.
I am here to say that going through a divorce is downright painful. Hurtful. Excruciating. But the upside is finding these women. We are invisibly holding hands like in the game of "Red Rover, Red Rover, send so-and-so right over." Remember how you would hold hands and call out to someone to come run into your chain of hands to see if you could keep that person out or if he/she would break the chain? Well, no one can break our chain! We are walking forward together, not just holding hands, but with arms intertwined.
Thanks, girls. I couldn't do it without you. Someday, I'll sing "Thanks For the Memories" just like Bob Hope. Hey, hope was what we talked about this morning! God be with you till we meet again.
All this to say 5 of us gathered this morning for two or three hours and we're all "under construction". We're each trying to "find out who we are," and not that gibberish about "finding ourselves" that was part of popular culture a few years ago. When you go through a divorce, the separating of the two people is palpable. There's a ripping and tearing of your life in such a way as to require you to build yourself, to figure out who you are after the debris settles. Well, it still hasn't settled altogether, but the infrequent revelations are just "irritating" reminders, rather than the jagged lightening and cacophonous thunder of the original storm.
Anyway, back to this unique group. Since we're each putting ourselves back together, ala Humpty Dumpty, we are encouraging, listening, celebrating, questioning, and even holding each other accountable. This last facet is what makes this group of friends unique for me. The accountability factor adds a new dimension. It allows me to say more than I would otherwise. It has given me permission, so to speak. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've just taken a leap in the area of relating. But I think it's the shared experience. I've not had that with my other friends in just the same way.
I am here to say that going through a divorce is downright painful. Hurtful. Excruciating. But the upside is finding these women. We are invisibly holding hands like in the game of "Red Rover, Red Rover, send so-and-so right over." Remember how you would hold hands and call out to someone to come run into your chain of hands to see if you could keep that person out or if he/she would break the chain? Well, no one can break our chain! We are walking forward together, not just holding hands, but with arms intertwined.
Thanks, girls. I couldn't do it without you. Someday, I'll sing "Thanks For the Memories" just like Bob Hope. Hey, hope was what we talked about this morning! God be with you till we meet again.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sumo Wrestler, I'm not!
You've seen those fake Sumo Wrestlers on TV in the fake "fat" suits, and when they bump into each other . Of course, the "fat" is to protect their bodies from being hurt. Well, I've turned into a Sumo Wrestler of sorts. I'm fat, but I'm not into the Sumo Wrestling part!
In going through the separation and divorce, I ended up padding the pain. In my mind, I thought "I can do anything I want...I can eat anything I want." But as of today I don't want to look or feel this way anymore.
Last night I was up with acid reflux the likes of which I've never encountered before. I'm taking it as a literal "wake up" call and this morning I wrote, "I am choosing to claim my smaller body again. I no longer will allow the pain of divorce to hide in my fat. I release it. I want to be clean and fresh. No padding of pain. Let it fall away. It doesn't become me."
I've not thought this way before. I now see the fat as protecting me from the pain. The initial experience was assaulting and I may have said "I can do (eat) anything I want", but I now see the fat as holding the pain. The cells of pain are encased in the fat. I NO longer want to be covered in pain! I want to be free and that means I'll be vulnerable again. I haven't wanted any male relationships, and as of this moment, I'm still not ready, but I see now that no one could have gotten through that ugly veneer.
I went to a support group last week, and I heard again that it takes about five years to be fully healed from a divorce. I am about half way through that time frame and as I walk forward, I believe that length of time. Things are revealed more slowly now, but just as important. God is healing me from the inside out. I'm truly grateful.
So I am writing all this to hold me accountable. I will not talk about this to many, but if I write it, I am committing to releasing the pain. That sounds more workable than "going on a diet". Yuck. I know it's all the same, but I need to think about the shedding of pounds in a different way.
So on January 17, 2011, I commit to becoming free of pain/fat. Literally and figuratively.
Blessings to you.
In going through the separation and divorce, I ended up padding the pain. In my mind, I thought "I can do anything I want...I can eat anything I want." But as of today I don't want to look or feel this way anymore.
Last night I was up with acid reflux the likes of which I've never encountered before. I'm taking it as a literal "wake up" call and this morning I wrote, "I am choosing to claim my smaller body again. I no longer will allow the pain of divorce to hide in my fat. I release it. I want to be clean and fresh. No padding of pain. Let it fall away. It doesn't become me."
I've not thought this way before. I now see the fat as protecting me from the pain. The initial experience was assaulting and I may have said "I can do (eat) anything I want", but I now see the fat as holding the pain. The cells of pain are encased in the fat. I NO longer want to be covered in pain! I want to be free and that means I'll be vulnerable again. I haven't wanted any male relationships, and as of this moment, I'm still not ready, but I see now that no one could have gotten through that ugly veneer.
I went to a support group last week, and I heard again that it takes about five years to be fully healed from a divorce. I am about half way through that time frame and as I walk forward, I believe that length of time. Things are revealed more slowly now, but just as important. God is healing me from the inside out. I'm truly grateful.
So I am writing all this to hold me accountable. I will not talk about this to many, but if I write it, I am committing to releasing the pain. That sounds more workable than "going on a diet". Yuck. I know it's all the same, but I need to think about the shedding of pounds in a different way.
So on January 17, 2011, I commit to becoming free of pain/fat. Literally and figuratively.
Blessings to you.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Blessed Be The Ties That Bind
The title words are those of a hymn that we would sing after communion when I was a kid. We'd hold hands across the aisle and the experience of "breaking bread together" in the presence of God would bind us together. At least that was what I felt.
Today I'm thinking of other binding ties. Friends. I value and appreciate the friendships with kids I met when I was younger. We may have met in school or college or during a summer away. Maybe we met as young adults. Wherever the meeting, there are some I still have connections with and the friendships are deeper. There are unspoken memories. There are memories we do talk of...a particular teacher or a particular experience we remember. These people are parts and parcels of who I am today. We share common threads in the tapestry of our lives. How rich I feel when I reconnect and I still enjoy the person! There are others I have a history with, but no present. I've tried and there's nothing there. It's like a misfire. Others, you meet again and you just pick up where you left off.
I cherish these friendships with a history. I feel rich. I feel deeper and I enjoy the opportunity to reconnect as "oldsters" and "wisers". I enjoy asking questions and getting to "reknow" the person.
If the tie still binds, what a gift. If we've changed and no longer have the tie, we let go. It's part of life. I can tell almost immediately.
As I age, I no longer spend time with people I have no feeling for. I protect my time. It's fulfilling to know that I can chose how I spend it. It's freeing to have figured out what matters to me.
Friends who share a history with me matter to me. God bless each one of you.
Today I'm thinking of other binding ties. Friends. I value and appreciate the friendships with kids I met when I was younger. We may have met in school or college or during a summer away. Maybe we met as young adults. Wherever the meeting, there are some I still have connections with and the friendships are deeper. There are unspoken memories. There are memories we do talk of...a particular teacher or a particular experience we remember. These people are parts and parcels of who I am today. We share common threads in the tapestry of our lives. How rich I feel when I reconnect and I still enjoy the person! There are others I have a history with, but no present. I've tried and there's nothing there. It's like a misfire. Others, you meet again and you just pick up where you left off.
I cherish these friendships with a history. I feel rich. I feel deeper and I enjoy the opportunity to reconnect as "oldsters" and "wisers". I enjoy asking questions and getting to "reknow" the person.
If the tie still binds, what a gift. If we've changed and no longer have the tie, we let go. It's part of life. I can tell almost immediately.
As I age, I no longer spend time with people I have no feeling for. I protect my time. It's fulfilling to know that I can chose how I spend it. It's freeing to have figured out what matters to me.
Friends who share a history with me matter to me. God bless each one of you.
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