Victory

Today I am thinking about fun and how it lifts our spirits and outlooks and other unidentifiable parts of our lives. Friday night I had some new friends over and we played games. The games were fun but it was the laughter and ways people have of interacting that meant the most to me. Scattergories and Dominoes were our games of choice but they were just the vehicles used to allow us to laugh and poke fun and enjoy the company of others. We're all newly divorced and working on our own personal journeys, so we made plans to get together for a game night. At 7:30 three of us were tentatively trying to get the evening rolling and I was thinking "oh, please, someone else come so this isn't so awkward with just three of us." We decided to start a game, anyway, and within 5-10 minutes, two more arrived and the evening rolled along much more smoothly after that.
We played Scattergories which has a hideous timer which adds to the game..or takes away, for some people! We laughed and complained and were a little awkward about appearing dull, or just not clever enough to play the game, but after a few turns the awkwardness seemed to melt away. After a bit, we decided to stop that game, or actually the listening to the wretched timer, and we stood around the bar to get refills on food. It was then the conversations became a little more real as one or another shared a concern of his, or her, new and definitely unfamiliar journey. The give and take and realization that "whew, I'm not alone" helped to propell each of us a little further into this unknown territory with a bit more confidence.
We decided to play Dominoes and as that game progressed, the kidding and joking just continued till we were laughing at ourselves as well as each other. It flew by till someone asked about the time and we realized it was "the next day" and we were flabbergasted! Who knew a bunch of 30-ish to 60-ish year olds could have such a fun evening the first time we got together?
The next day was when I felt the victory. It felt more than fun. It felt like another corner had been turned. I had found a way to have fun, a way to add joy to my life, and a way to connect with others and make new friends. I wasn't alone. I "had a life" like we always assume others have. I know that's not always the truth in others' lives, but for me it spoke
volumes and seemed like an important victory. I'm on my way and it feels really comfortable.

PS

Since my last post I have thought of some other things I want to discard:
1. Parents who chew me out, sling accusations at me and then hang up!
2. Crying at school (by me)
3. TAKS tests

That's about it for now. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

discard this!

My last post was about wondering what I could discard to make my life more workable. Well, yesterday morning I woke up to sunshine in my room. My alarm was set for 4:50 A.M. but apparently I had turned it off in my sleep and now the clock read 6:50!! Up I jumped and wondered what not to do since I usually use all of the two and a half hours to get ready for work. I skipped the shower and hair-washing and got dressed in jeans and a school-appropriate t-shirt and did my face and hair and went down to eat breakfast standing up. No hot tea, just some cold water along with the usual yogurt and banana. Back up to brush my teeth, quickly added some lipstick and out the door by 7:38! I had to give up a jeans coupon to my administrator, but other than the kids asking if I'd cut my hair (when it's been slept on it's rather flat and no amount of curling iron magic can transform it) no one was the wiser.
Today I apparently did the same "turning-off-the-alarm-in-my-sleep" for it was 6:55 when my eyes decided to open! Ouch. I couldn't go another day without a shampoo and shower, so I opted for those and gave up the breakfast, which I ate at my desk. Kids didn't mind my banana and never even asked me why.
I've now decided that if I can get ready for work in 40 minutes, what have I been getting up so early for???
For right now, I'm discarding the time spent on TV news/weather, morning email answering, hot tea, sitting down for breakfast, starting the laundry, and see how my day goes.
I'll let you know how getting more sleep feels...z-z-z-z

The discard pile

This morning I was at school working with a variety of fifth graders who were preparing for the upcoming state-mandated science test. To get students to learn from a different method, a couple of teachers prepared science games which would reinforce the needed objectives, but the students wouldn't really feel as if they were "studying". I introduced a game about the forms of energy...solar, heat, light, sound, and so on. As the directions were explained, I told them there would be a discard pile. Apparently many were not familiar with the discard pile, which I know to be part of many other games. I found that surprising, but this whole year has shown me the limited experiences of many of my students! Anyway, they finally (partially) got the hang of the use of the discard pile and proceeded to play the game. In this game, you could retrieve cards that someone else discarded and use for your turn, if you so desired.
On the way home, I was reflecting on the morning's activities and was mulling over the fact that so many of the students had had no clue how to utilize the discard pile. They didn't understand the concept of putting a card in the discard pile; let alone the part about using the cards later on. Even knowing that to win they needed to have no cards in their hands didn't seem to impress on them the need to discard. All of a sudden, I saw the need to start my own discard pile! As I write this, I realize that to NOT discard, means to hold on. Am I holding on to unnecessary "cards"? To let go, means to trust or even to be free. That can be exciting or scary, depending on the mindset.
To discard, implies letting go and/or throwing away. Verb synonyms include cast, shed, slough, scrap and junk. "To shed and slough imply a throwing off of something both useless and encumbering and often suggest a consequent renewal of vitality or luster." Does that seem inviting? Absolutely! I want the "renewal of vitality and luster" in my life! To achieve that, I must discard something or some things.
In my construction project, I want to build something worthy and strong and fun and absolutely useful. To do that, I will need to discard some faulty wiring (faulty thoughts), some unnecessary rooms (which might house bad habits or old hurts), and perhaps some landscaping that's just not growing anymore (or someone who's just not supporting me or my building project with uplifting words or deeds). Huh.
This requires prayer, thoughtful consideration, and a clearer vision of my needs and wants. It may take some time, but I'm determined to discard "something useless and encumbering" so to "renew" the vitality and luster of my life. It continues to uplift and surprise me how God uses the ordinary experiences of our lives to teach us. To work on a Saturday was definitely NOT my choice, but look what He did with my obedience today!

bocce ball and board games

When I was a lass, I grew up in a home with Sunday rules. After church, we stayed inside, didn't have friends over, wouldn't even think of going to the movies or out shopping (the stores weren't open on Sundays when I was a girl anyway) and pretty much rested and had a quiet day. No game playing either, though I think the rule was "no keeping score" so that pretty much nixed my brother's and my playing anything. Who wants to play and not keep score?? I actually liked our house rules. It kept Sundays different and I was just fine being "different" from my friends, though I translated that to being superior. Not a good thing to admit even now, but that was my take on the matter.
When I became a mother I tried to keep our Sundays different and to some extent, I did. I wouldn't take the kids shopping or to the movies, but I didn't make a big deal about playing games. I didn't really know what was important to me, versus what was important to the family I came from. It was a transition time for me.
Now that I'm a grandmother and cherish any family get-together, we do play lots of games, and on Sundays as well. There are five adults and one child (who's still too young to play anything). The adults got out a couple of board games after Easter dinner and played a game where my son-in-law had a challenge and chose to have glasses and beard drawn on his face for the rest of the game. We laughed and laughed over that one! After the lawn dried out from the storm earlier in the day, we got out my new bocce ball game and gave it a whirl. The baby sat on a towel in the shade and enjoyed our laughter as well as the fresh air.
After the game, my son found his juggling pins in the garage and gave his wife and me a lesson on juggling. She and I tried, but we laughed more than we caught any pins! Anyway, when my son left he told me he'd had a wonderful day and specifically mentioned the bocce game. I realized then it's not the "rules" that make Sundays different. It's the time we spend together as family. It's the memories we're making and that works well with my "construction" project.
I plan to make plenty of memories with my kids and grandkids. They are extremely important to me and I want them to remember what we can/did do and not what we can't/didn't do.

Here comes Peter Cottontail...

..Hopping down the bunny trail, Hippety hoppity, Easter's on its way... For me Easter is definitely about the celebration of Jesus' resurrection, but for this post, I want to remember some Easters from my memory. For me, the best part of any new outfit was always the shoes...earliest memories are of the black patent leather ones...oh, the sole was shiny and black and I liked that just as much as the top that was seriously shiny! I'd get a new pair every year (at least in my mind) and they were from Standard Shoe Company on Main St. in Bangor. We'd have to go upstairs, and it was such a fun store. Seem's like there was a sort of tiny merry-go-round that we played on. Later on in tenth grade I had a pair of candy apple red patent leather heels that matched my delight from the days of black patent leather little girl shoes.
Mamma would make my dresses but I don't have any memories of a particular dress except the year when I was in junior high and she made my sister and me matching balloon dresses. I think they were light blue on the bottom and dark blue on top. Of course I'd wear a hat each year, too. The ones I remember are from junior high on...a brown feathered one that was on a headband and the feathers came down lower on one side of my face. There was a yucky beige straw pillbox with a dark brown veil. One was just a veil and perhaps a flower on top of my head. I'm laughing over that one...but I did like it at the time. I'd have big hats some years and small hats others...can't recall when I stopped wearing them.
In high school our church had an Easter sunrise service (which meant standing in snow some years!) and then we'd go back to the church for blueberry pancakes and then home to shower and get ready for "real" church and back we'd go in our finery. Daddy would buy us corsages each year and that made me feel very special. Other people wore flowers but it still was very special for me. I think Nanna Farrington had provided them when we were little and Daddy picked up the tradition once we moved away.
Nanna also gave us a wrapped gift to find for our Easter treat. One year I opened a dress. Aunt Shirley gave us chocolate Easter bunnies...THE best gift of all!!!! The year she got married I was almost ten and that next Easter the bunnies were no longer there. What?? My brother, David, and I assumed it was Uncle Charlie's fault. Of course we didn't tell anyone our idea (or of our dissapointment) until years later and poor Uncle Charlie had had NO idea about the bunnies before his arrival into our family. My aunt said she had just figured we were too old and didn't want them anymore. What's not to want??? A big bunny of chocolate?? Yes, we wanted them!! We had a good laugh.
My first pair of heels were for Easter in seventh grade. Black patent leather, of course! Our church had the sanctuary upstairs and I was SO proud of those shoes. I probably tried to float down the stairs after church, but I caught a heel and fell. Harold Wheeler, a local radio personality, came over and helped me up. All that was hurt was my pride.
That year I got to wear lipstick for the first time, too. Nylons were worn for 6th grade Easter for the first time. I had no idea till today how many things were allowed that first time on an Easter Sunday. Spring and new beginnings, I guess.
Well, thank you for walking down my memory lane. Hope you have a blessed Easter and that God's love for you will warm your heart and home.

Joy

"I have a joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart," is a song I sang as a child and it hits the spot today. It's Easter weekend and boy, am I filled with joy! Joy in my Lord. Joy in my heart. Joy in my circumstances. Those who know me might be wondering..."joy" in your circumstances? That's right. I am a joy-filled person today because of my circumstances.
Last Easter Sunday was a kalaidescope of feelings and situations. (Good Friday and that Saturday were both tsunamis of epic proportions that threatened to obliterate my life and all I held dear.) Church on Easter was precious and tender with my son and daughter-in-law by my side. I shed some tears but not many. Dinner was full of surprises and laughter. Afternoon was a time of questions and answers and truths and honest talk. Like a sunrise, each thought opening up to another and beaming a tiny bit stronger, I came to some conclusions and by evening, I was filled with action. In that one day of Easter, 2008, I was a changed woman. I turned a corner and never looked back.
In one year, I have let my light shine a little brighter. I am not hiding it under a bushel, no! I am stronger, yet more tender-hearted; alone, but not lonely; forgiving, but also forgiven. I have been able to "let go" (of hurts). I have been able to "take back" (my own happiness). I have been able to be more tender towards others whom I may (ok, would have) ignored. I have been able to be a model (to my children). I have exposed myself (in emotional areas). I have wrestled with words and feelings and hurts and questions and more feelings and partially cleaned out the dark areas of my heart. I have spoken freely. I have spoken boldly. I have listened to what was said, as well as what wasn't said. I have stopped speaking at times. I have stopped listening at other times. I have offered apologies. I have received apologies.
I have prayed and cried and listened and laughed and spilt out my fears to my Heavenly Father. I have talked outloud to Him. I have talked privately to Him. I have worshipped and loved and read of Him. I have declared my desire to be all He thought of when He created me. I have thanked Him. I have been awed by Him. I have felt loved by Him. I have been quieted by Him.
I am honored to be where I am, and who I am, today. I wouldn't trade the last year for anything, not even to have stayed where I was.
You see, I have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart,
Down in my heart, down in my heart
I have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart,
Way down in my heart to stay!
Have a Joy-filled Easter!

Change, changes, changing

What do you think of when you hear the word "change"? "Change the lightbulb" is not bad. "Change the baby" isn't great, but I can handle it. To change my shoes generally means to put on something more comfortble and that feels real good. But generally to me, change starts a negative thought process. What if I can't do what the other person wants or needs? What if I just don't know how to do it? What's wrong with the way I'm doing something now? Why do I have to change? I don't want to change.
That's the crux for me. I don't want to change. I may not even like how I'm doing something but it's familarity is comfortable. This week I was asked to consider changing grade levels next year. My first thought was "I've changed so much this year, I'd like to just cruise a bit on a comfortable/familiar route next year." (or something along that thought) Later I thought about the changes I have made this year and realized I do like the energy that comes from changing and the success I feel afterward. I also recognized that others sometimes see gifts in us that could be utilized in a different arena and I should trust that observation.
I've said "yes" to the new grade level. That implies packing up my teacher "stuff" and moving it to a new room. It implies getting to know new teammates. It implies getting more training. It implies learning how to plan for a new grade and all kinds of things I haven't even thought of. It means change. Period.
As I actually think about the changes I've experienced this year, I have enjoyed many good ones. Changing the alarm code gave me security. Changing my phone service to allow caller ID was freeing and absolutely a great thing to do! Changing my work status gave me earning power. Changing into a Nanna was just delicious and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on that, that's for sure!
So as I wrap this up, I want to embrace change and not fear it. I want to look at it as opportunity for growth and exhileration and not mild panic. I want to be free to change.

Please help me, Lord.

Holding on to scraps

Do you ever have those days when you have big, serious things to do, but all of a sudden you get the urge to clean out the junk drawer in the kitchen? Or you decide to neaten up your shoes in the closet? Or in my case, neaten up the box that holds my wrapping paper and ribbon. Earlier in the week I'd gathered up the "needing-to-be-ironed" clothes from the closet floor and actually hung them up to be ironed at a later time. Maybe that would ease my problem. I actually love to iron (and watch a movie at the same time), but for some reason, I put it off and then the clothes multiply and divide and I get overwhelmed and only iron as I need it in the morning! So once the clothes were picked up, I organized the shoes which were laying about and I was feeling really good. I like order with my clothes. Then with those two jobs done, the floor of my closet was clean and I was feeling satisfied. By the next day, as I went to wrap a gift, I decided to attack the "wrapping stuff" box. Let's just dump it all out, now that I had a completely clean closet floor. First I decided to separate the different componants of said box, making piles of tissue paper, and gift bags, and cloth bags (that my sister makes and are the best way to cover a gift), and ribbon, and small boxes and the spools of tulle. Love to wrap with tulle...turns a plain gift onto a snazzy, ooh-la-la gift! Anyway, as I was separating (and actually seeing) what was in the box, I became aware of two or three plastic-wrapped selections of actual folded sheets of wrapping paper. You know the stuff that we used when giving a gift? The stuff we don't use any more since a handful of tissue paper and gift bag can be so easy AND look so special, why bother measuring, cutting, wrapping, taping, and be-ribboning? But you see, I still had the folded paper....in a pattern I've never liked so why did I think I was going to suddenly like it and actually use it? In fact, I also found scraps of paper maybe 3 inches by 9 inches, as well as some long left over pieces which were maybe 5 inches by 3 feet! Oh that's a common size I might need...never! I then discovered gift bags for "dad". No need for those now. I found small spools of ribbon I hadn't used in say, fifteen years. I found odd scraps of ribbon and cord which wouldn't fit around any gift I might give. I gathered up the gift bags for the man and crumpled those right up. No problem. Then I made a pile of the ribbon scraps for my daughter to use in "scrapping". Let her throw them away. But the scrids of paper...what to do? Should I toss? Give to daughter for her projects? Do I keep for a project I might do with granddaughter in about five years? What is it about scraps that make us (okay, me) want to hold onto them? The maybes, and what ifs, and possibilities seem to flood my mind. Is it my creativity or my "oh-I-just-might-need-this-one-day" that speaks to my brain? Is it the New England little verse that says something like "use it up or do without" that hinders me?
As I talked it over with my daughter, I realized the scraps were sapping my creativity. The culch around my house drains my energy. Something always needs to be sorted or put away or cleaned up or washed or dried or folded or stored. It requires attention I'd much rather give to sorting or creating (with) my seaglass! Or playing with my dear precious granddaughter. Or reading, or any number of other choices. So instead of chunking it, I am held captive. I hold onto the "what ifs". I want to let go of the paper scraps to remind me to let go of any other scraps that aren't worth MY interest. Be they "scraps" of people who no longer interest me, or scraps of paper or ribbon. I'm free to be me now. I'm free to let go of the pieces that no longer fit....
Excuse me while I run upstairs and chuck the paper and ribbon and who knows what else I'll find?!!

Stand By Me

Good morning,
I am home sick today so had the time to watch a video clip sent by a cousin. It was entitled "Stand By Me" and included musicians and singers from around the world playing and/or singing the song and it made me cry. It struck a chord in me. The clip started with a man telling us that no matter where we are or who we are, at some point, we all need someone to stand by us. I need someone, slash many someones, to stand by me. I need others. There, it's out there. I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone. My heart burst with joy and "bigness" this morning as I realized I want to have a fuller life, a joy-filled life, a life filled with more meaningful moments. I need to let others in. I need to let some others out! Huh, I never realized that till just now. I've tried to hold on to some that aren't worthy of me. They aren't worthy of my trust, my time, or my interest. Huh. I need to ponder that awhile.
"Thank you, Lord, for sifting and sorting my thoughts to blend in with your plan for me. Thank you for standing by me."

I hurt a friend

A very dear friend had a birthday on Friday and I didn't call, send a card or even email a greeting and she called me on it. I appreciate that she could tell me that, and I've apologized, but it has really affected me. I used to be on top of my life. I wrote out cards and bought, or made, gifts on time and was an attentive friend. I managed my home, made my bed everyday, worked part time, was a wife and a mother (to grown up kids), paid the bills, kept up with the dishes, (ok, not so well) and balanced my life, or at least I thought I did.
A year ago, my life did a huge "about face" and I haven't been "on top of my game" ever since. I no longer keep up with the kitchen, make my bed, or even eat enough (can we say "any") vegetables!! I am always trying to play "catch up" with just about every area and I don't know how to get caught up, let alone, ahead of the game.
I am now "under construction". My last name is Cameron and I subbed for 20-odd years in the local elementary schools and while my kids were in that same age category, I wanted our dinner table talk to be pleasant with no name-calling from the kids. One day I think my son said of me that I was "Cameron Construction Company, where we build people up and not tear people down." My life is now under construction. I want to build myself up and not tear myself down, but it takes more than those words. I need a blueprint and an architect and a construction company.
God is my architect. The Bible is my blueprint. I am the project manager. I have now read several of the plans. I've talked with my Architect at length. He's suggested ways to rebuild me. I'm really trying to listen and I am very optimistic. My "home" for years wasn't as solid as I thought. I put too much trust in it. I hoped I knew best how to keep my "home" from crumbling, but the foundation just wasn't there. I'm now in the process of building a new life and I want a secure foundation. It's there now.
That's as far as I am today and decided to keep a log. Join me in my construction project.